I can’t wrap my head around how badly I screwed up yesterday, mulling over the words on an endless loop. My brain is doing it on purpose whispering to me, “this is what you deserve, just listen to what you’ve said to the person you love the most. Revel in your pain. You deserve it.”
And that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I deserve this. This feeling of a fall that wont end in a crash or even a bruise. The only thing I have bruised is his feelings.
So I guess I’ll tell the story since nobody I know IN REAL LIFE will read this, and I really need to write it all out to try and forgive myself.
Yesterday When I was at work my significant other called and said, I found a pretty beat up ring on the ground today, what size do you wear?” Innocent enough, right? I told him and went about my day.
When I got home that evening he said, “babe, I have this weird thing on my back that has been bothering me all day, can you check it out?”
Always eager to be his nurse, I obliged.
I lifted up his shirt to see a ring, the ring I thought had come from the gutter, taped to his back. I peeled it off, giggled, and without even inspecting the ring, I said, “oh, this is just costume jewelry!”
To which he replied, “No its not, I thought it was sterling silver.”
And this is where it gets ugly, even hard for me to type.
I said, “I could probably bite this thing in half. This better not be how you decide to purpose to me.” Followed by some giggles.
This is when he started walking back inside our house. I was still confused, still thinking ALL OF IT was a gag.
I walked into our room, as he lay on our bed and asked why he was so upset. He said, “that was really mean of you. I really did buy that for you, I told you that story about finding it on the street so you wouldn’t catch onto me buying a gift for you.”
I felt my throat well up and all my insides sink into the lower half of my body. I was speechless at how heartless I must have looked. I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to cry in there for 45 minutes. I called my mom while hidden away next to the toilet. She was honest, which I appreciated. But honesty always hurts. She said I did screw up, and that I need to pour my heart out to him. So that’s what I did.
I did the walk of shame back to our room, with my eyes almost swollen shut by now, I told him how sorry I was and that I hope after all the years we’ve been together that he knows that I am not the materialistic brat that I completely acted like. I also told him I thought the whole thing was a joke right up until the moment he told me he had spent money on it.
Our night was quiet, cuddling was rigid. Our morning was equally as quiet. Last night for the first time in my life, I felt like hurting myself, or disappearing.
Shame on me for tarnishing the sacredness of “us”. Shame on me for making him feel like a fool.
I keep replaying how excited he must have been at the jewelry counter picking something out, smiling as he left the store. Smiling and laughing with anticipation as his uncle helped him tape the ring to his back. And I just shit all over it.
I fear he will never fully forgive me, I know I will never fully forgive myself.
I usually share my blog on my Facebook page. But I can’t share this one. This post was for me, to just lay it all on the line. Hoping that writing it all out will give me some kind of relief. I don’t know how I am going to make this up to him, and this makes me question if he’ll ever marry me now!
If you have read this far, thank you for listening.
I’m hoping this is my “one big fuck up of the century” because I never want to go through this feeling of hopelessness again.
Note to self: Everybody has at least one of these moments in their lives. I think.