Always Missed, Never Mourned.


Today is one of those days where the numbing feeling of routine takes over my brain.

Wake up. Go pee. Make coffee. Brush teeth. Wash face. Do make up. Get Dressed. Go to work. Pretend to work. Secretly look for a new job every chance I get. Go Home. Eat. Cuddle. Sleep. Repeat.

Good news though. Wednesday mean the sluggish feeling of a Monday, and the desire to run away on Tuesdays is finally over.

I’m too tired to get too in depth here, but I’ll focus on the small wins I have in my life.

I got to see my sister and nephew for the first time in over a month yesterday. We should never go that long without seeing each other, yet here we are.

My boyfriend and I went to see my nephew after he had been released from the hospital from having a stomach virus, and we got to talking with my brother-in-laws 91 year old grandpa. What a great man, full of endless story’s about how cities used to be farmland, and how cheap gas used to be!

But I saw the sadness on my boyfriends face. And I couldn’t help but feel like crying.

My boyfriends great-grandpa just passed away in February at the age of 94. They were best friends. While he found solace in talking with my brother-in-laws grandpa, I could see him instantly long to hear his great-grandpa’s voice one more time.

Just thinking about it makes me wish I could here one of his story’s again, too.

As we walked to our car on the way home he told me, “I miss grandpa.” and that was it. I didn’t say, “do you want to talk about it?” “are you feeling okay?” “you can cry if you want to.” Because in my opinion those are all bullshit statements. Nothing you are capable of doing or saying will make that person say, “Oh! Wow! I feel perfect now!”

I know him better than that by now. After seven years, asking him, “are you feeling okay?” is pointless. He will come to me when he wants.

I know this because I am the exact same way with my emotions. I need to stew in them first before projecting them onto someone else.

He will always miss his great-grandpa, whom he saw every day of his life for the past 26 years.

However, after 94 years of life, nobody can argue that he did not live a full life.


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