It Hurts to Hold On, But It’s Missed When It’s Gone.

Happy Friday!

Let’s get emotional!

It’s a slow day at work today, so I’m lost in my thoughts as usual.

So slow that I have eaten half a box of crackers and have filled my Amazon shopping cart with $300 worth of stuff that I am never really going to buy.


Lately, I have put a lot of thought towards my mother, and why the world seems to hate her. That may sound harsh, but this story is about a woman who moved to the desert because nobody wanted anything to do with her anymore. Except me. Of course I was mad at here for a while, the longest we’ve gone without speaking to each other, but I could never abandon her. Sometimes I feel like half of me isn’t here anymore. Life doesn’t feel right without her. Her loud mouth, inappropriate jokes, and the strongest feeling of needing to be loved that I have ever seen in a person.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Long story short, her and My oldest sister had a falling out and I got stuck somewhere in the middle of it all. Shitty, ugly words were said. Words that still echo in my head, just like all the bad memories that seemed to have come from my mother.

She has put me through so much, yet I am still loyal to her. Maybe it is unhealthy, probably. But I have learned a lot about when you show someone your true self. And most run, or get weirded out. Few people have always encouraged my “everything sucks, except for a few things” mentality. That would be my boyfriend and my mom. Those two people don’t make me internally hyperventilate at the thought of having to talk to a person, or instantly put my head down because lately there has been a lot of that – coming from a 24 year old who is still in community college, earning minimum wage, and doesn’t have a drivers license.

Holy shit, see that? all of my insecurities in one little sentence.

I miss my mom immensely, but she’s doing so well. I would hate to take that away from her. Sure she went through a bout of drinking, and smoking, and god knows what else. But shes moving into her own place tomorrow and she’s back in AA meeting; and her voice, her voice sounds the way it used to, not just a couple years ago or whatever. The way it sounded when I was little, around four years old, before everything went to shit. A mothers voice, a calm “everything is going to be okay” voice.

This is just the tip of the iceberg with my mother and I, sorry but it’s not that cut and dry……Stay tuned.



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